Just like how many people in their late twenties feel, my life is not what it should be. I almost titled this “I’m 29-Years Old and I Messed Up My Life” but that’s not true. I may have contributed to things that’s been making my life harder, but to me there’s a difference between being a hot mess and messed up. I’m not rewriting the english language, but I interepret being a hot mess as something that can be cleaned up and being messed up is something that can’t be easily cleaned or cleaned at all. This isn’t true cor everyone, but this is how I see myself.
I was never that person who aspired to be married by 25, have a house by 26, and have kids by 27. I also didn’t aspire to have a high-level job like being a doctor or a lawyer. I don’t know what I expected my life to be like because I never prepared for my future. This sounds cynical and it kinda is. When I was a teenager, I struggled with depression and anxiety so my future felt bleak. On top of that, I didn’t receive any guidance from my family or other adults on my life path so I never prepared for anything. I was a dedicated singer so the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a singer. I went to college because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do after high school. Even during college I didn’t think too far ahead on what career I actually wanted. I also didn’t learn many life skills from my family and I prioritized the wrong things.
Fast forward to today and I’m currently working at a random office job that happened to fall on my lap, I still live at home with my dysfunctional family in a city that tests my mental health every day, and I have crippling debt making it difficult to reach my goals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for a job and home, but my life could’ve been much better if I learned personal finance and actually had career guidance. And unfortunately, the state of the country and social media isn’t making it better with price gouging, ads everywhere, and overconsumption. I’m currently seeking therapy for my impulsive shopping that’s contributing to my debt but these external factors make it difficult. I discovered that I shop out of boredom and coping from unresolved trauma and feeling trapped. On top of that, I have ADHD which makes it worse.
My life could be a lot worse and I recognize my privilege. But it’s really hard trying to dig myself out when everything is working against me. When I was younger, I didn’t know what I didn’t know but I wish I thought more about my future. My life isn’t over and my current situation isn’t final. But it’s really hard and it’ll take a while to fix and change everything.
Despite this, I’m not scared to turn 30. I actually look at it as a new chance to finally flip everything because I know I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. The first half of my twenties is so different from the second half but the second half is what’s contributed a lot to my situation. I gained more responsibilities and matured but not enough as a functional adult should. Again, I prioritized the wrong things but at the same time it was how I was coping. It’s been an endless cycle thus far.
Eventually I will exit this roundabout but for now I’m getting dizzy riding this circle.
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